I’m Not Helping You Bury Your Dead Dog

Andy’s Notes from 2017 –

I mentioned on the main page that in these archives you get to see the development of our writing styles, but really, you can only see the development of mine: Lilly’s was already 90% of the way there.

To me, this gloriously deranged response to watching Pet Sematary II is her at her best.

Originally published October 26th, 2011

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pet-sematary-2-pic-5

First of all, I’m not going with you to bury your dead dog in the Pet Sematary. If there are any ghost stories, zombie stories, or stories about slight itches after going into a place, I am not going into said place.  You have to bury your own because that’s how the natives did it? Good, because how Lilly does it is she doesn’t bury anything unless it is the hatchet that will be created when you ask her to do something stupid like go and bury your dead dog in the zombie place. Simple as that.

Second, if your dead dog comes back? I’m not petting it. I’m not getting excited for you, I’m not going to high-five you, I’m going to stay the Hell away from your zombie-ass pooch. I’m not going to just freak out like Furlong does in the movie and then shrug my shoulders, I am going to flip my shit and call the cops, the fire department, the Ghostbusters, the priest, Andrew Lincoln, anyone to save me from your walking dead dog. Especially if it watches me in my sleep from a rocking chair like a creep. Your dog is a creep. You heard me.

Also, Zowie is a stupid name.

Third, I think Clancy Brown is hot. I just want to put that out there. I know, I know, he’s a bit rough with Drew, but those tight police pants? Hello. If he didn’t become a zombie, it would be better of course (I’m not touching your zombie-ass step-dad, either), but hey. He looks good until his throat is torn out by your stupid dead dog.

On that note, fourth point: I’m not going to the Pet Sematary with you to bury your step-dad. I think the aversion to doing it with your dog is doubled on this point.

Fifth, I love zombie Gus. I do. I know he’s a zombie and all, and that should be troublesome to me, but he’s so nice. Besides the roughing up his old lady during sex bit. I’m not into that.  But come on. Rather than being a vicious creature all the time, he becomes a big dork who plays with his food. Well, and who murders school bullies with bike tires. And destroys the house with a hammer. Okay, so he’s not husband material. Okay, chalk that up as a reason I won’t be going with you to the Pet Sematary.

Zombie Doug is charming, but I can’t live in a house that is on fire and has bunny carcasses hanging from the ceiling. I just can’t.

Sixth: So after the dog thing, and the step-dad thing, you can bet your bottom dollar I am REALLY not going to be into burying your dead mom in the Pet Sematary. You’re creepy. Stop it. Zombie Gus and Zowie went nuts, so what are you thinking? Seriously? I get it. Your best friend was killed by potatoes. That doesn’t mean you are allowed to exhume your mom’s body, take it to the Pet Sematary,  and make her a zombie.

Also, why is zombie Gus not trying to kill you? He tried to kill everyone else. Maybe because you’re creepy enough to dig up your dead mom, and he doesn’t want to mess with that. Who would?

Seventh: I certainly wouldn’t hit on the husband of a recently dead woman. Housekeeper lady, are you listening? No, because you are too busy fondling his dead wife’s clothes like a weirdo. Well. You get your comeuppance. Spoiler alert: she so dies.  While wearing the dead wife’s dress, no less. Tacky.

If those aren’t enough reasons, Reason Number Eight I would never be a part of Pet Sematary hijinks? I don’t like getting dirty, and all that digging and running and bleeding is awfully messy. So, if all those other reasons aren’t enough, just know that I don’t want to get down and dirty with dead people. Or any people. Dirt is gross.

Especially when it is full of zombies.

And finally, Reason Number Nine I would not be involved in anything Pet Sematary related? Who the Hell spells cemetery that way? That’s ridiculous. Stephen King? Do you hear me? Ridiculous. I get it. The sign for the pet cemetery was written by children, and thus spelled wrong (illiterates), and so the title of the novel/film is taken from that, blah blah blah. Whatever, King. What. Ever.

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